The Roles We Play

This is it. My first blog post. I've always wondered why people blog. Is it to tell the world everything, or nothing at all? I may not ever have anything important to say, but at least I will have a place to say it.

I've been fired up and on a rampage after coming to terms with my latest obsession: I love to write. Is that something you did not know about me? Probably, yes. I am sitting with my husband in my small apartment living room watching Breaking Bad Season 1 -again-. I'm in my PJs, my hair is in a top bun with deep conditioner in it (Sam told me once that I look like a princess when I go to bed with it like that. Maybe that's why I top-bun-it so much), I am kicked back on the couch, and I have nothing special to say. Except for this, "I want to be a writer".

You have to understand that boldly declaring this to the world wide web takes quite a bit of courage on my part. No, it's not because I have a thousand readers to impress (I actually think I have a whopping two so far. Hi Mom and Havana!). It is intimidating to me because I have finally dared to dream those 6 words out loud...well actually loudly hitting the keys on my keyboard to be exact. So now I officially have that statement on the record. "I want to be a writer". There it is again in case you missed it.

Who I am has always been so defined and drafted and being a writer was never, ever in that description. I do not have a college degree, I do not have anything close to published, but I do have DESIRE to write and to call myself a writer. It's something that I just found out about myself, and I'm actually quite pleased by it. There is a little orb inside of me growing brighter and brighter and warming me to the very thought of being labeled and stamped with the description, "Writer".

 I love to write, yes, but what I find most thrilling is rewriting the role I once wrote for myself to play. I am McKenna. I'm a dancer, a wife, a sister and an aunt. Nature is my oasis. I'm obsessed with Holidays. Guns and puzzles are my hobbies. I was almost a NBA Jazz Dancer. I was almost Miss Utah. I was almost on So You Think You Can Dance. That is who I am. But that is not all I am or all I could be. That does not define me. The role I play is so much grander than a few lines or lists of defining moments in my life. All this I am realizing as I'm "growing up" and waiting to become all I wished of being when I was young. No matter my age, one thing has always stayed the same. I have an innate desire to create. I create dances into stories of art, I create beautiful delicious cuisine to serve to my family, I create words put together to tell of heroism and love and life. My creations might not be the most profound, or blazing with sharp perfection, but they are MINE and it is so satisfying to say that.

When I was young I would write chapter books. My Mary-Kate and Ashley inspired "The Secret of the Scoreboard" and the "The Hunt for the Headless Ballerina" were never going to be bestsellers. Let's face it. But everyday I would type up a few more paragraphs and print all the pages out again, re-staple them, and read them to my mom every time we were in the car (bless her).  She loved them! I would glow with pride and accomplishment and settle back into my seat to reread my story all over again. My mom couldn't wait to hear the next part and I couldn't wait to deliver that to her. I've always wanted to write someone's "favorite" book. A task that was so urgent and definite to me then became squandered and hidden until just recently. So I am asking myself this, when in our lives do we stop dreaming of the impossible and start settling for the attainable? When did it become OK to be so afraid of failing or putting in extra effort that we stopped even trying?

I am not a shy girl but I am SO shy to tell people I want to be writer and I want to start writing a book. There are few people in my life I've told this to and when they start BLABBING about it to anybody and everybody I get all awkward and change the subject.  And then, when the unassuming third party isn't looking, I give my loved ones the biggest stink eye they've ever been served. Last date night we were sitting in the movie theatre waiting for Iron Man 3 to start (totally awesome, go see it), and Sam started chatting to our friends about how I was writing a book. I practically had to shove popcorn down his throat to get him to shut up about it. That is so unlike me. I usually love talking about myself! What I think I'm the most afraid of is for people to scoff at me and tell me that I am not a writer, and it's a ridiculous notion. I'm afraid their reaction will turn me off from my born-again desire. I'm afraid I will fail in trying to be true to my young self with that young dream of writing someone's favorite book. I think that's why I avoid the subject all together. Since when have I become such a pansy?

My hubs is part of a course called "The Conscious Creator" which is sort of like The Secret on steroids. He asked me if I wanted to watch a webinar with him. I obliged and he was completely surprised. I'll admit, I snuggled into the couch cushions and played Tetris on my Iphone most of the time. BUT I did actually get quite a bit out of it. I used to think The Secret was a load of crock. Tell the Universe what you want and you will get it? Oh Puh-lease. As far fetched as it may sound though, I've realized that there is undeniable power in positive thinking. This course was on how we consciously create the success or failure we have in our lives. When I heard this my head perked up from the colorful shapes I was zapping into lines and I put my phone down. I couldn't stopping thinking about my grand book writing plan. By being shy and embarrassed about adding "writer" to my title description, I was shunning away any hope of success. I listened to the end of the lesson with real intent and I came to a conclusion. I have decided not to write apologetically. Or do anything apologetically for that matter. I am going to be proud of what I do. Imperfect and unofficially educated, sure maybe, but I will write my story and not be timid in the attempt. I will write it well and someone out there will like what I have to say. I am sure of it! (Again, Hi Mom!)

One of my favorite writers said that if you don't write every day you are not a writer. So as I dabble in the world of writing, whether it be on this blog or fictional writing, I am going to try. I am going to consciously create the new role I have written for myself. I am not going to be so afraid of failing or stepping outside the "genre" of McKenna that I never try. I'm redefining me and losing the bands that hold me down to that definition I have unconsciously made for myself and I urge you to do the same. All it takes is realization, desire, and a little courage. What role were YOU born to play?