Grief and Pine Needles

 

I pushed my legs higher up the mountain. They were weak and exhausted but I wanted to put as much distance between me and the earth below as possible. Before I left I grabbed a few things and headed to the place where I always feel safe, the mountains.

I didn't stop until I was high enough to believe I had put enough space between me and my problems. I stopped on a log and finally let the tears betray me as they slid endlessly down my face. A knob jabbed my leg but I didn't shift positions. I didn't even bother to swat the bugs off of me. I just sat peering up at the tall trees whose tips faded into the sky and wished, like them, I could disappear.

It took me a long time until I felt calm enough to let the anger and sadness inside me begin to disappear. The sun slid down the trees before I began to feel cold and very alone. Just when I remembered that when you have no one to talk to, you always do. I looked into the sky and prayed. I prayed for peace. I prayed for solace. I prayed for the chance to open my heart and feel of God's love.

It was almost all the way dark now. I had wandered through the wilderness and had the distinct realization that no one knew where I was. I jogged through the tall grass and dirt with more vigor and energy than I had had in days. My throat and lungs burned, making me feel alive. I slowed as the mountainside evened out and I gained my bearings about where I was. I walked pensively, my eyes at the tip of my hiking boots, when I felt it. A surge of hapiness. My head shot up as my heart filled with warmth. I inhaled again. Pine Trees.

I squinted through the dark and edged to the side of the path to scoop up a whole handful of the glorious needles underneath the tree and held them to my nose. I took in again their bitter-sweet scent.
Christmas. Family. Laughter. Joy. Tradition. Mountain air. Freedom. Love..............PEACE.

In an instant I felt it all. Warmth filled my soul and I choked on my tears and laughter as I took a needle and bit it between my teeth.
I was redeemed.

One tender mercy from the Lord was all it took to be reminded. Just like the Ghosts of Christmas past and Christmas Future had come in the dead of night, those pine needles where sent to remind me of my good, wonderful, happy memories. Memories past, and hope of those yet to come. Life was going to go on. Though I didn't feel anything but emptiness now, I saw through the darkness and found possibility.

***

I was feeling better. Moments of light lifted my spirits, but I still had those times of bleak sadness. I was having one of those moments in the drive through line at McDonalds, of all places. I thought maybe a Diet Dr. Pepper and some fries would at least bring me momentary happiness. The silence in my car was deafening and I felt heavy pain threaten to squish me whole. I was stuck in the crowded drive through and had no choice but to wait and let the tears fall. We were finally moving and I pulled up to the window and I had my two dollar bills and quarter in my hand reaching to toward the window while I kept my eyes down.
"Miss," I looked up. The manager and cashier were both at the window. "The lady in the car in front of you bought your meal and says to tell you to have a better day." I was shocked and mumbled a reply while I tried to stuff my money back in my wallet.

I pulled out of the restaurant and was trying to get a glimpse of my sweet stranger, but she turned left and I turned right. We both went about our day. I tried to see the freeway entrance through my blurry tears. It wasn't about the $2.13, it was about the love. I felt the Lord working through his servants to remind me I was noticed, cared about. I was loved and never forgotten. No matter how small of an act, the meaning to me was full of grandeur. My fizzy drink never tasted so good.

***

Just as I was feeling lighter and back to normal, my body started to go through the changes and my day was one of the worst I've had. My heart ached and wished for release, but I had nothing left to give, no more tears to cry out.

I sighed and sat on my bedroom floor and put my head between my hands. I tried to regulate my breathing so I wouldn't break again. It was hopeless. Minutes later I told myself to get up. I put on one shoe and looked around for the other. I reached underneath my bed to retrieve it and felt something slide on the hardwood floor underneath my palm. I brought whatever it was towards me and lifted my hand. Pine Needles.

I stared at them in shock. It was February. But I did not have a Christmas tree in my bedroom even in December. Besides that, I had just swept underneath the bed last week. But they were there, though slightly yellow, as real as ever. A tangible miracle.

Again I felt the arms of love wrap around me as I wept and grinned and reached my hand to my nose to inhale the very faint scent. I whole heartedly received my tender reminder. "This too shall pass."
 

"Where do we go from here?
How do we carry on?
I can't get beyond the questions.
Clambering for the scraps
In the shatter of us collapsed.
It cuts me with every could-have-been.

Everybody says that time heals everything.
But what of the wretched hollow?
The endless in-between?
Are we just going to wait it out?"

 Nothing to do now but rest, chase sleep that leads to a dream land where no one hurts for real,
and wait it out.
 And never lose faith.