There were messages from men saying disgusting and degrading things. There were strangers asking me nosey questions. One message in particular made me feel so icky I can’t sleep and that’s why I’m writing this at 1:47 A.M.
One of my favorite memories was telling Sam I was pregnant. I shared this news in a way that was very special for us and a friend filmed it. I shared this video on Facebook to inform friends and family. The video caught on and went viral for a few days. Annnnddd a few days is all it took to be ripped apart on the internet. My goodness people have a lot of time on their hands and a lot of filth on their tongues!
Tonight I opened up a message from almost a year ago from a woman I didn’t know who said she felt bad for me being “ripped to shreds” in the comment section of a certain news station’s website who posted my video. She just thought I should be aware of what was being said about me and screenshotted the nastiest of the comments and linked me to the page. Wow. These comments are not monitored. Obviously.
Even though this was months ago, my insides squirmed reading these hateful, cruel, and very personal comments. There were many great and nice messages too, but sadly those are never the ones we remember. One comment in particular shook me to my core. It was not just about the video, but horrible things about me as a person, the way I grew up, my hobbies, details about my family… When I read it my first instinct was to (~cry~) shut the computer, draw the blinds, and turn off the lights. I didn’t want to be seen by anyone. I didn’t feel safe. How did this stranger know so much about me? More importantly, why did she hate me in such a personal way?
We live in an era where every detail of our lives are shared. Some people believe that if we choose to share these details, it’s our own fault and we deserve the hateful things people say about them. (Uh.. and for the record I never signed up for that. My video was shared by unknown websites and many articles were written about me without my knowledge. This was not a fame rouse for me. By the end, I just wanted it to go away. Plus I was pregnant and barfing and not in the mood.)
Tonight I started thinking of this first experience I’ve had with cyber bullying. I’m twenty-five years old and it still made me cry and want my mommy. It greatly shook my confidence. I can’t imagine all the damage it is creating for young girls who face this themselves. I can't imagine being someone in the spotlight who receives comments like these daily. Why should we all have to put up with this and just come to EXPECT it as a side effect for putting ourselves out there? Why is it so okay for the world to hate?
I remember a mean comment I got on one of my Facebook posts. I deleted the comment and immediately received a message from this person yelling at me for deleting her comment and I apologized to her. I. APOLIGIZED. TO. HER. I'm extremely disappointed at myself when I look back on this. I owed her nothing. I deleted it because I didn't want to start a war between her and my friends who would jump to my defense. I wanted my social media account to stay positive because it is mine. M-I-N-E!
I’ve heard haters on the internet be called “Trolls” and I never understood that reference until tonight. I imagined a big scary troll with a giant club in his hands waiting underneath the bridge. Here I was, just a poor Billy goat wanting to cross to the other side to eat some grass, but I was too afraid and affected by this Troll. That’s how I feel tonight---like a victim. And that’s annoying. I cried in bed in my husband’s arms like a weak little goat. I frantically scrolled through my Facebook friend list and deleted over 800 friends. I deleted any names I didn’t recognize, or anyone who looked like they had the potential to be mean to me. I didn't want to give anybody a reason to say anything at all about me. I didn’t want to connect with anyone or post anything ever again. Weak, I tell you. Weak.
I love to post. I love to write and to share. I love to read about people’s accomplishments and be inspired. I like to hear about people’s annoyances as they sit in traffic or look at their brightly colored Instagram-blogger-worthy photos. And of course love to watch every Buzzfeed food tutorial video ever created. Social media is a world of its own. And sometimes it’s an exciting world I like to step into. We have the real lives we lead, and we then we have the cyber lives that are all intertwined together in a sea of our ex-history teachers, ex-boyfriends, and ex-bosses all sharing intimate details about their lives with each other.
These moments in our lives are glanced at and gone with the flick of a thumb, lost in the feed. So why do we share? Are we looking for validation? Are we seeking help, opinions, and resources? Or are we just sharing because if we don’t it will feel like it never actually happened? It doesn’t matter why. It’s ours to share.
This Troll-Who-Hates-Me-So had power over me in an instant. Supreme Power. High Court Power. She had the power to make me feel small. I wanted to retreat and not talk to or see anyone but my little family in our little brick home. She could huff and puff and not blow this house down. She made me feel like I no longer cared anymore to reach out or make friends or share thoughts and experiences. Why make myself vulnerable? I never ever wanted to be in the news or anything again! Just as I was crying/gulping for air/whining these exact words to my husband, my mom texted and said, “If you let this one person change how you think about yourself or let her affect your life in any way… You are not the person I thought you were.”
I desperately wanted to fight back. I wanted to write a response to every single one of the horrible comments. I wanted to explain myself--call out the lies that were being said about my life and get the record straight. I wanted to throw insults like daggers and think of ways to hurt them back because they hurt me so deeply first. But I didn’t. I didn’t actually want them to hurt; all I wanted was for them to understand. Because as hairy and smelly as these Trolls might be… I wanted them to like me. Well, I wanted them to at least know me and try to understand me before they hated me.
The truth is I will never get the chance to ask them questions or defend myself against their cruelty because they are hidden. Great strength comes from being anonymous. It’s up to us to use this strength to destroy, or to enlighten and impact. All I’m saying is, I think the most cowardly of them all are the ones hiding behind their computer and letting their thoughtless fingers fly.
So friends, (and I can call you friends because I can assure you I have scoured my friends list down to the bare minimum tonight), I hope we continue to share our lives with each other. And when the day comes that we are clubbed over the head by a Troll-and I can guarantee that day will come to each of us at some point- I hope we can all be a little braver than I was about it. The negativity and hate in this world is stifling. We can’t let it stifle who we are and who we want to become. There is also beauty and kindness in this world that is absolutely freeing. If we let the cruelty and hate prevail what will be left? Our lives are on display. Be choosey with who you want to share them with, but never stop sharing the good and inspiring things you do. Don’t let the fear of ugliness keep your lights from shining on the world.
Just like the last Billy Goat says to the Troll when the Troll threatens to swallow him whole:
“I've got two spears, and I'll poke your eyeballs out at your ears;
I've got besides two curling-stones, and I'll crush you to bits, body and bones.”
Uh.. a little violent, yes, but what great power and confidence the last Billy Goat showed as he crossed the bridge and the troll retreated. So when Trolls come at us full force ("TROOOOLLLLL! There's a troll in the dungeon! Thought you ought to know... *faints*" That was a Harry Potter reference because I'm just that cool), don't let them affect who you are and what you think of yourselves. We have the power to block out negativity and to be great. We don’t need to hide from the world just because it bites hard sometimes. It may have the ability to swallow us whole, but It’s times like these when we need to create more magic and kindness to fill its belly with. I had to read my favorite quote over and over again tonight as I attempted to lift my spirits. It says,
The darkness of the world will overcome you in an instant if you let it. But don't, because trust me, it still is a very beautiful place.
AND DON'T FORGET---DON'T YOU DARE READ YOUR FILTERED MESSAGES!
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